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Another one of my genius ideas.... lets all take part in writing your most best and favourite jokes. As the whole forum is lacking a bit of humour with too much "seriousness" going around.
No blonde jokes as im bored of them.... well maybe not but still :p
Me gonna go and find my jokes out of the cabinet.... brb :rolleyes:
eddiecsd
18-04-2003, 21:25
A Man walked into a bar....
....Ouch
A bloke walks into a bar with his horse and buys himself a pint and his horse a pint.
he drinks his pint and before he gets to the bottom of his pint the horse has already finished his.
so the bloke buys the horse another pint.
by the end of the night the horse has drank 18 pints and fall's flat on the floor.
the landlord says to the owner of the horse you cant leave that lyin there, the bloke replies it aint a lion its a horse......
bum bum..............
two blokes walkin down a rail embankment when they see this tall slim women tied to the tracks. one of the blokes goes and leaves the other one and the women aloan so the bloke left with the women picks her up and carries her back to his flat..
the next day in the pub the bloke runs into his mate that left them and starts tellin him what had go off..he told him that they had gone back to his flat and had sex in every position posible...and his mate turns to him and said " well did she give you a blow job then" he replies " o no i couldnt find her head "
soory bout these jokes but im a electrician and when your on sites with old blokes the jokes they tell aint the best but you can always remember em... :D :D
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the
earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I
think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking
problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the
bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw
dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the
bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more
and more attractive.
22. Roseanne looks good.
23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they
walk past you.
26. I'm as jober as a sudge.
27. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
28. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the
night.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover
watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the
conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad
that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all
about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with
you."
robtattoo
22-04-2003, 21:50
A guy walks into a toy shop, with his daughter, to buy her a new Barbie doll. He's walking up & down the isles looking at all the different Barbies. There's Disco Barbie, priced at £9.99, Beach Barbie, again £9.99, Supermodel Barbie, still £9.99 & Divorced Barbie at £499.95.
Thinking this to be a mistake, he calls for a sales assistant.
" Excuse me, " he says, " I was looking for a new doll for my daughter, & I couldn't help but notice these Barbies. Disco Barbie, Beach Barbie & Supermodel Barbie are all priced at £9.99 yet Divorced Barbie is £499.95. Why is it so much more expensive ? "
" Well " replies the assistant " Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's dog, Ken's etc...........":D
Nic Tivey
24-04-2003, 14:13
Dawn French was busted by Customs smuggling drugs through Heathrow Airport yesterday, Police found her underwear contained 40pounds of crack
:D :D :D :D
What do you call a tellytubby without no telly ?
Ans: Tubby
(funny after a couple of pints mind you :p) :D
knock knock
who's there
doctor
doctor who
you know the joke to
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
well someone had to put it :confused:
father jack
02-05-2003, 23:04
yup, and it HAD to be you, I was actually seriously telling that joke to my friends when I was about 6 or 7 years old.
shows the mentality of some people i guess.
ay m8 i dont get called peter pan for note ya know
that bloke off who wants to be a millionaire has died.....
well he comitted suicide...
the bbc
( sorry celador who make the program and sell it to itv as iv been told )
are gonna pay for the funeral.....
but not the coffin......
hahahahahahahahahah:D :D :D :
father jack
07-05-2003, 06:17
mmmmm, why would the bbc pay for his funeral, it doesnt make sence?
for a start, millionare is owned by a company called celador, who make the programme and sell it to ITV ?
what the funk has that got to do with the bbc.
Brains and fingers obviously never work together.:(
Tortoise-Licker
07-05-2003, 16:44
[cough] [cough];)
never mind ay its still funny i just aint sad enuff to sitt and think about the bbc and itv and shit but obviously others have the time to spare....
TenaciousM
24-05-2003, 09:07
whats brown and sticky?
A stick!
Bloke is crossing the road when a car comes screaming down the road heading straight for him.
The guy starts to run, but the car heads towards him. He turns around and dashes back, but the car changes lanes and keeps coming.
Now the car is really close and the pedestrian is so scared that he freezes in the middle of the road. The car bears down on him, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt.
The driver rolls the window down. Sat behind the wheel is a squirrel, laughing as hard as he can.
"See" sneers the squirrel, "it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
TenaciousM
26-05-2003, 19:56
A seal walks in to a club.......
:D :D :D :D
A white stallion trots into a pub and orders himself a beer. As the barman is pulling his pint, he says the horse, "We've got a whisky named after you."
"have you really?" says the big white horse, "In that case, I'll have a double Arnold as well.":confused:
Sorry guys, it can only get better now.
This bloke takes his dog to the vet.
He tells the vet he wants the dogs tail cut off.
The vet asks him why and the bloke says his mother inlaw is coming to stay and he doesn't want anything to make her feel welcome.:D
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot
A carrot
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